Author: musevassal

Be My Valentine

(The following is a rant I wrote years ago that I happened to stumble on today. It being Valentine's Day, I thought I may as well polish it up and then post it. Now, please keep in mind that I haven't lived in North America for many years, so my thoughts on this holiday may … Continue reading Be My Valentine →

Customer Dissatisfaction

I know it's fun to complain and avoid taking responsibility for your decisions, but maybe some people could think about changing up their romantic selection process. You don't always have to shop in the “Whores” and “Assholes” section. (“Yeah, but, Whores and Assholes is the only place that has the styles I need.”)It's like a … Continue reading Customer Dissatisfaction →

Explaining Cheese to Leafy Greenbuds

Imagine trying to explain cheese to your new pall, Leafy Greenbuds, a space alien who has no concept of food because her folk derive their nutrition through photosynthesis. You show Leafy a cow, and then explain the milk thing (a la Arthur Dent with the Nutri-Matic on the Heart of Gold [if you don’t get … Continue reading Explaining Cheese to Leafy Greenbuds →

My Return to Japan

When I was in my late twenties I moved to Japan to teach English for two years. When I returned to Canada, I struck up a correspondence with a Japanese woman I had worked with at my school. She came to visit me for a few weeks and one thing led to another, as they … Continue reading My Return to Japan →

intersections

A fork in the road. Which way to go?Of course loyalty is in play. Principles. Ideals.It is not so very difficult to stay true when the only choice is to adhere to, or to betray, your values.But what of conflicting loyalties?What of different principles that run to cross purposes?When at these intersections of life, what … Continue reading intersections →

Dueling Echo Chambers

I would like to start this piece with a one man play entitled:“Using Facebook.” Me: “Hmm, lets see what’s going on in Facebook.” Me, literally ten seconds later and three swipes into my feed: “I immediately regret this decision! What the fuck is wrong with you fucking people? How could I know this many stupid … Continue reading Dueling Echo Chambers →

Taints on Ice

By Balls Malone When you think about it, figure skating is really based on who is able to showcase their taint in the most grandiose way. I suppose you don’t have to think about it this way, but it makes it a lot more entertaining. Particularly when you’re watching in Japan and don’t really understand … Continue reading Taints on Ice →

End Times

If we all discovered that the world was going to end in 24 hours (say because a meteor was coming, or the President of the United States had a bad prostate exam), I think there would be a lot of men who’d be like:“Well, that’s it! I’m emptying the kids’ college funds and blowing it … Continue reading End Times →

Create

It’s like a coin. You can’t have one face without the other. As much as you might love looking at heads, sooner or later tails is going to turn up. On the one side there’s the marvelous exhilaration of the creative burst after a long period of inactivity. The satisfaction of solving a problem that … Continue reading Create →