Random Historical Thought

The Allies did not win World War II.

Now, before you get all cunty about that, take a second and think. Sure they fought the motherfucker and beat the Axis. The Allies had the victory without a doubt. But at what cost? They didn’t win shit.

You know who won?


The Swiss got the Jewish wealth of Europe piped right to them. All that money and gold taken from genocide, straight into their coffers. Scot free.

Not a shot fired.

On Fucking, Animals or Otherwise

By Balls Malone

I would like to clarify that when I talk about fucking animals, it is a purely hypothetical scenario I’m envisioning. It’s a campfire chitchat goof, like “what superpower would you like to have?” (you know mine), or “if you could only kill one Backstreet Boys member with an icepick, which one would you kill, and where would you stab him first?” (AJ, and left testicle)

So, when we’re talking about which animal you’d like to fuck, it’s a similar hypothetical question. The assumption here is that the animal is, of course, a completely willing participant and a disease free, premier specimen. You can also specify the sex of the animal and the type of sex act.

I would like to fuck a female tiger. As is my usual preference when getting down, I’d like to exchange fuck-faces to completion (one at a time, of course – 69 is goofy fun sometimes, but it’s much nicer to focus properly and do your respective jobs properly). Following that, it would be nice to relax together for a while until one thing leads to another. Then just see what happens.

I also am aware that oral sex from a tiger tongue would likely be rather painful. I know. That’s the point. Don’t kink shame!

When thinking about this important question for yourselves, do keep in mind that when I use the term “fuck,” I am in not way being hetero or male centric in my use of the term. When I say fuck I mean it in a wider, more universal sense. Whatever fucking is to you, is what I’m talking about.

Too many people are hung up on what is “normal” or “real” sex. Penis fucks and hole gets fucked, and any other shenanigans is queer. And that hole had better not enjoy itself too much, or it’s gonna turn itself into a slut hole, goddamn it!

This entire mode of thinking is fucked. If you can find someone who pushes your buttons and you can push theirs back, then the mechanics of what’s going on is irrelevant: you are fucking. If Person A is able to make eye contact with Person B across a crowded cafeteria while sending text message instructions on Person B getting themselves off (because Person B has informed them of how they are able to do this on the sly), then I would say that Person A is fucking the shit out of Person B.

That’s some good fuckin goin on right there!

Inverse-Dysmorphia and North Americans

My post last week about my Japanese student’s observation that most white people are the shape of Doraemon, the Japanese Garfield, got me thinking about something I noticed a while back while I was visiting my original home of Canada.

As someone who’s lived in Japan for over ten years now, I’ve found that most North Americans are suffering from a kind of inverse-dysmorphia. It is not like dysmorphia, such as anorexia, where they think they have a body flaw when they don’t, but rather that they think they are far less flawed than they are. Particularly in terms of weight.

Normal people are thought of as skinny; chubby people think they are normal; fat people think they are chubby; and obese people might, at a stretch, admit that they are fat. And the morbidly obese are now afflicted by a disability completely beyond their control

I observed this phenomenon at a big barbecue. One woman said to another, “No, I won’t have any cake, I’m trying to lose a few pounds.” Another woman responded with, “Oh, don’t worry about it, you’re just a little chubby.”

In looking the two women over, and everyone else there, I could not help but think:

“No, you aint chubby. The both of you are fat. Everyone here is fat. Ya’ll are real fat.”

Now, don’t get me wrong: I was and am fat too. So I wasn’t going to say anything and upset the whole delusional scene everyone had set up for themselves. But at least I know where I’m at.

And if I were to say anything, the most reasonable response to my observation probably would have been something like:

“Oh, but you’re just used to living in Japan were everyone’s too skinny. It’s not healthy being that skinny.”

No. Just, no.

The way people look in Japan is the way humans are supposed to look. Check out the family photo albums of your oldsters if you don’t believe me. People were not all shaped like balloon animals back in the day.

It is not like there’s some inherent racial reason that Japanese people in Japan are thin this way, either. I recall when my father was visiting us in Japan a few years ago, I was waiting for him to arrive in Narita airport. His plane was late, so I was watching other planes’ passengers coming through the arrival doors. Lots and lots of Asians, from all over Asia. All normal shaped. Then, a load came through the doors: about half East Asians, twenty percent South Asians, and thirty percent white people. Almost everyone was fat.

“Ah,” I said to myself, “this is the flight from Vancouver.”

Sure enough, it was my father’s flight. He’s also really fat, by the way.

I make all these observations not to be mean. It is simply a curious thing that North American society has collectively slipped into this mode of thinking that willfully ignores what is healthy for what is comfortable and comforting.

You can move the goalposts on what is normal, or beautiful, or natural, all you want. This will not change human physiology. Being obese is unhealthy. It leads to hypertension, heart disease, stroke, and physical infirmity. It is also a major comorbitity in corona virus deaths.

Suit yourselves. Everyone has the right to abuse themselves in whatever manner they want. I do! But I’m not kidding myself about what I am. And it couldn’t hurt to pull our perceptions out of our bubbles once a while and find out how we and our culture are perceived by others once in a while, could it? Particularly when, in many people’s cases, their bubbles are delusional and killing them.

Just an observation.


Me, reading or watching educational content:

“Huh, that’s interesting” or “Hmm, that seems fishy, I should check that out.”

Inevitable comment on the content:


For fuck sakes, get a grip, youngster. While I have no doubt that your education system has failed you, it is not the world’s responsibility to make you aware of every single piece of information and trivia by the time you’re old enough to get online to comment on stuff.

I know it must come as a terrible shock to many people, but there’s a lot of stuff in the world that we, as individuals, don’t know.

Just how entitled do you have to be to get angry at the world, society, or your teachers when you discover that you didn’t know something? It suggests you generally believe that you know everything.

Which, come to think of it, rather explains the state of America these days.

White People’s Gift

Tonight in one of my English conversation classes (here in Japan), we were discussing eating habits and weight gain. One of my students proclaimed that it’s okay to get fat; especially for white people.

“Most white people look Doraemon shape,” she said. (Doraemon pictured below for reference.)

“But,” she went on, “it’s okay. It’s a gift!”

What? Really? What do you mean?

“It is! it’s a gift! Their organs are so strong! They can eat so much bread and get so fat, and it’s okay! They are still alive! If Japanese people get so fat, most of us will die.

“White people’s organs are so strong! They can drink so much, drug so much, and get so fat, but still they are alive! It’s a gift!”

Well, lady, when you put it that way, I guess you’re right. White people certainly do appear to be quite gifted in that way these days.


by Balls Malone

If I could have one superpower it would be to be able to transcend space and time to have three-ways with Queen Elizabeth II and Betty White in 1945. More specifically, that all three of us rendezvous in a suitably groovy trans-dimensional place, with them being their respective ages from that year. Of course, they are completely into it, and I could initiate this whenever I want.

Betty would be in her early twenties, just the perfect age to help the nineteen year old royal experience the nuances of our forbidden love. It would be cool to explore new things together, with our routine evolving each time we meet. The first time the Queen tastes Betty’s cunt on my cock would be a pleasure to savor working towards.