On Fucking, Animals or Otherwise

By Balls Malone

I would like to clarify that when I talk about fucking animals, it is a purely hypothetical scenario I’m envisioning. It’s a campfire chitchat goof, like “what superpower would you like to have?” (you know mine), or “if you could only kill one Backstreet Boys member with an icepick, which one would you kill, and where would you stab him first?” (AJ, and left testicle)

So, when we’re talking about which animal you’d like to fuck, it’s a similar hypothetical question. The assumption here is that the animal is, of course, a completely willing participant and a disease free, premier specimen. You can also specify the sex of the animal and the type of sex act.

I would like to fuck a female tiger. As is my usual preference when getting down, I’d like to exchange fuck-faces to completion (one at a time, of course – 69 is goofy fun sometimes, but it’s much nicer to focus properly and do your respective jobs properly). Following that, it would be nice to relax together for a while until one thing leads to another. Then just see what happens.

I also am aware that oral sex from a tiger tongue would likely be rather painful. I know. That’s the point. Don’t kink shame!

When thinking about this important question for yourselves, do keep in mind that when I use the term “fuck,” I am in not way being hetero or male centric in my use of the term. When I say fuck I mean it in a wider, more universal sense. Whatever fucking is to you, is what I’m talking about.

Too many people are hung up on what is “normal” or “real” sex. Penis fucks and hole gets fucked, and any other shenanigans is queer. And that hole had better not enjoy itself too much, or it’s gonna turn itself into a slut hole, goddamn it!

This entire mode of thinking is fucked. If you can find someone who pushes your buttons and you can push theirs back, then the mechanics of what’s going on is irrelevant: you are fucking. If Person A is able to make eye contact with Person B across a crowded cafeteria while sending text message instructions on Person B getting themselves off (because Person B has informed them of how they are able to do this on the sly), then I would say that Person A is fucking the shit out of Person B.

That’s some good fuckin goin on right there!

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