The Kraft Champagne Incident

Today I was driving my wife, mother-in-law, and daughter to a nearby village to buy basashi (horse meat eaten raw like sashimi [awesome, by the way]). While driving I had an out-of-the-blue recollection of one of my last alcoholic binges, about ten years ago.

At that time, I was trying to sober up a bit, so had resolved to stop drinking for a while. However I was feeling really shaky and upset that night. Really high on weed, I cooked and gobbled a whole box of Kraft Dinner macaroni and cheese right out of the cooking pot. Then I smoked more weed and without even thinking cracked open a magnum of really cheap champagne that my sister had left in my fridge for some reason.

I drank that whole magnum in under ten minutes; chugging it straight from the bottle. Then I smoked more weed and suffered one of those epic coughing fits. This caused me to gag and I barely made it to the bathroom for the next phase.

All that champagne and Kraft Dinner came exploding out my throat in a frothy orange torrent. High pressure stuff. It was like I was some kind of cartoon plague victim, or birthing an alien being in a B movie. Watching that orange foam rolling down my arms and the sides of the toilet, the absurdity of it struck me hard and I started laughing even as more of the stuff surged from my mouth.

Then it was over and I sat on the shitter floor in my mess and laughed and laughed.

Good times.

Recollecting this today with my family in the car, I also started laughing. Driving along and just started laughing out of nowhere. My wife now knows better than to ask me what’s funny in these instances.

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