Back when I was a young man, someone told me about this practice called stumping.

“Hey,” he said with a conspiratorial smirk, “have ya ever heard about stumpin?”

I hadn’t, so he told me about it.

See, there was a certain 1% outlaw biker gang in our neck of the woods, and they would do this thing they called stumping as a corporal punishment for people they needed to have words with.

They would take the victim into the bush to a tree stump, strip him naked, tie his hands behind his back, and sit him down on the stump. Then, they’d take a roofing nail (nice wide head on those) and nail his scrotum down to the stump. Through both sides of the sack, of course.

Then they’d just drive away and leave the guy alone in the bush.

The bush is an endless wild in northern Alberta where I’m from, so it’s not like help’s coming. Sooner or later, dood’s going to have to make the choice: sit and die of exposure or an animal attack, or stand the fuck up and tear his ball sack open.

Of course, people always do the latter. It’s amazing what you’ll do to yourself when survival’s on the line.

After that, all the guy has to do is walk out to the nearest highway, naked, with his testicles hanging out of his torn scrotum.

So, yeah, that’s stumping. Don’t fuck around with hard people in Alberta.

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