Character Concept

Name: Chad “River” Wakefield

Age: 26

Race: Caucasian

Nationality: American (”I really consider myself a citizen of the world.” #blessed)

Occupation: monetized positivity on social media; trust fund recipient

Passions (not hobbies): dreadlocks and beard maintenance; “living life to the fullest;” helping attractive people with their body positivity; oral sex; cultural appropriation; drugs (“consciousness expansion, please!”)

Catch Phrase: “It’s all about love!” “You are what you think!”

Hidden Shame: Used to wear pop-collared polos as a frat boy in college. Possibly raped a lot back then, but isn’t ashamed about it. (“Hey! I was wasted too. Maybe she’s the one who raped me, right?”)

Unwitting Role: syphilis and HPV carrier; poster-boy for unconscious white privilege

Possible Fates:

1) Beaten to death by a skinny tracksuit wearing Russian on a Mediterranean party island over a misunderstanding concerning the ownership of a large quantity of MDMA.

2) Decides to “get serious” about life and opens a shitty retail business once his trust fund matures. When business fails, gets “serious” again and joins his father’s business. Alcoholism. Gets fat. Stays rich. Ages poorly.

3) Dies after falling off a waterfall for his travel blog.