Category: Uncategorized

On Fucking, Animals or Otherwise

By Balls Malone I would like to clarify that when I talk about fucking animals, it is a purely hypothetical scenario I'm envisioning. It's a campfire chitchat goof, like “what superpower would you like to have?” (you know mine), or “if you could only kill one Backstreet Boys member with an icepick, which one would … Continue reading On Fucking, Animals or Otherwise →

Superpower

by Balls Malone If I could have one superpower it would be to be able to transcend space and time to have three-ways with Queen Elizabeth II and Betty White in 1945. More specifically, that all three of us rendezvous in a suitably groovy trans-dimensional place, with them being their respective ages from that year. … Continue reading Superpower →

Frodo’s Other Ring (Sam’s Anus)

I was once chastised for homophobia after referring to the Lord of the Rings as pretty damn gay. My accuser understandably misunderstood my meaning. Contrary to the usual intention behind the term's use, whenever I refer to something as gay, I mean it literally and never as a bad thing. Lord of the Rings is … Continue reading Frodo’s Other Ring (Sam’s Anus) →

Be My Valentine

(The following is a rant I wrote years ago that I happened to stumble on today. It being Valentine's Day, I thought I may as well polish it up and then post it. Now, please keep in mind that I haven't lived in North America for many years, so my thoughts on this holiday may … Continue reading Be My Valentine →

Customer Dissatisfaction

I know it's fun to complain and avoid taking responsibility for your decisions, but maybe some people could think about changing up their romantic selection process. You don't always have to shop in the “Whores” and “Assholes” section. (“Yeah, but, Whores and Assholes is the only place that has the styles I need.”)It's like a … Continue reading Customer Dissatisfaction →