In Bristlehump’s town square, the pyre under the burning Wheel was fully alight and immolating the mortal remains of Thad Swallowtail and Lisbet Greatspring. Brother Barrelmender had just berated the folk in attendance for their wickedness before going into the church to take a nap.
Of course, the congregation was well accustomed to Barrelmender’s furious outbursts, so no one seemed to pay him any mind. With him gone, and another spectacle in store in the afternoon with Bob’s funeral, the party for many began in earnest.
Choke and Knuckle immediately took command of the men in the square and had them form up in front of the church steps. Choke began exhorting the crowd to disperse. A good number of them actually listened and began filing out of the square, with others loitering in groups that Choke chose to ignore for the time being.
At the edge of the church steps by the graveyard wall, Peep gave Mariola a nudge.
“Let’s get these three into the church, before things get fucky,” Peep said, gesturing to Thad’s erstwhile vixens.
As Peep, Mariola, Grace, Nathalie, and Petrina moved up the stairs, Nester flew right over their heads, yacking excitedly. The three young women shrieked and cringed away from the expected assault of shit. None came, though. Nester wheeled over and flapped up towards the church roof.
Peep looked up to see that the raven was still there. It met her eye again and gave her a steady nod. Then it swung its head in a, “come here” gesture and pecked the peak of the roof between its feet twice. Peep gave it a nod.
The church was filling up with the usual attendees. Peep and Mariola got Grace, Nathalie, and Petrina seated in a front pew.
“You pray until lunch,” Peep said to them. “And ye’d better make it good. Ye aint confessed or repented a thing yet, so yar still dirty sinners. If ye were to die now on account of someone stabbing ye up, ye’d all go straight to Hell. So smarten up, like the Brother told ye.”
All three young women had been profoundly upset by the event, and were already on the verge of hysterics. Peep’s words were too much for them to bear and they collapsed into each other to weep their hearts out.
Peep pulled Mariola away.
“Stay with them. Make sure no one even talks to them. If they start slutting it up, give them a wallop. I mean it,” Peep said, glaring at the crying women.
“Okay. And where are you going?” Mariola asked.
“To the roof. I wanna have a gander around. And, ye know, talk to a bird, or two. But keep that to yarself,” Peep whispered.
“Okay. That’s what I thought,” Mariola whispered. “That giant raven. That’s the druid, right? The one that’s been helping us? The one that sent ye Thad.”
“Yeah, I reckon it is. Just don’t go yodeling about it,” Peep hissed.
“I didn’t. And I won’t,” Mariola snapped back. “But are ye sure ye should be going up there alone with her, though? She’s dangerous, aint she? Ye should bring someone with ye.”
“I’ll be fine. Don’t ye worry on that count. I got the measure of her from the Holy Fire. She’s on board. If anyone asks, just tell them I’m up there having a quick look around.”
“Okay. Will do.”
“Good,” Peep gave Mariola a friendly cuff. Then she reached under her cloak and pulled out Lisbet’s bejeweled lady-dagger. “Here. Ye may as well have this. It was that bitch’s. She stabbed Barrelmender with it. You’ve had as much a hand in this as me, and I already got a pig-sticker, so you may as well have it. Also, ye gotta manage these little shits now, so I guess it fits.”
Peep handed the dagger to Mariola, who drew it from its sheath. Her eyes flared a little as she beheld the blade.
“Yeah, that’s real Dwarf steel there, according to Barrelmender. Tuck it away somewheres. Good boot knife, I’d say. Anyways, it yars now.”
“Thank you, Peep. This is beautiful.”
“No doubt. Not my style, for sure. But you can pull it off. I’ll be on the roof. Remember what I said about them sluts. As soon as they get their feet back under them, one of them is gonna buck on ye. Mark my words on that. When they do, knock her on her ass. I mean that. And remember they’re prisoners right now,” Peep said.
“Yes. Got it.”
Peep went through to the kitchen and into Barrelmender’s room. Collapsed on his bed, fully-armored, he was snoring already. The narrow staircase to the roof was in the room, and Peep went on up. She went up through the small steeple with the bell and out onto the walkway on the roof’s peak.
Diya was lounging in the middle of the roof, seating on the peak’s walkway, with her legs dangling down the roof’s slope. Nester was nearby, pecking at some moss on the roof slate. He looked up at Peep.
“Ack!” he said.
“Good morning, Peep,” Diya said, smiling.
“It’s morning, anyways,” Peep said.
The smell of woodsmoke was heavy, blended with a disturbing note of pig roasting on a spit.
“Would you care to join me for a smoke?” Diya asked, patting the spot next to her as she raised up a pipe with her other hand.
“Yeah. Sure. Fuck it.”
Peep walked over and sat down next to Diya. The druid held up her index finger and produced a flame from her fingertip just a little bigger than that of a candle. She lit her pipe and passed it to Peep who took a big hoot and passed it back. Peep held up her hand to decline a second when Diya offered.
Diya set her pipe down next to her and again held up her finger flame.
“Not as impressive as yars, I’m sure. But it does have its uses,” Diya said, before snuffing it.
“No doubt,” Peep croaked. She then coughed. “That’s good shit.”
“My very finest. So, ye got my message, I see. And Barrelmender accepted my gesture of goodwill.”
“Yeah. That was some shit ye pulled on Thad, there. What did ye give him? He actually thought he was gonna convert Barrelmender and save everybody from goblins with happy thoughts,” Peep chuckled.
“Those were cactus buttons. From a far-off desert. Used by the people there as a kind of right of passage. A full dose is meant to be a life-altering experience,” Diya said, he tone arch.
Peep snorted. “Well, it sure as fuck was for Thad.”
“With the Hoochal people who use the buttons, the person undertaking the ritual is guided by a shaman, a druid, who helps them through the experience as a guide. They can help the subject understand their experience and incorporate its lessons into their life.”
“Uh-huh. Subject. No doubt. I guess these shamans are the bosses of that place.”
“Of course. Now, I am no such shaman. So I don’t care a bit for their rituals. Thad was not a good person. He got what he deserved. And for a man as self-centered and selfish as that, it was not difficult to guide him to the realization that he was a messiah destined to save everyone with his grand, beautiful being. He came to the realization all by himself, really.”
“Uh-huh. With a few little nudges here and there. So if he was that bad, why not just handle him yarself? Why use us to kill him?” Peep asked.
“Because, unlike you, Peep, I don’t enjoy killing. And Thad was of this place,” Diya patted the slate of the church roof. “The Stronians created him and spat him out for us to deal with. It’s only right that they clean him up. It’s always best if things resolve themselves by coming around full circle. And with what seems to be coming, I needed to know if yar raven here is really worth a shit.”
“And is he?”
“Oh yeah. Ye got yarself a grand killing raven there. At least at heart. And he’s no sadist. If he was the sort that likes hurting women, he’d a taken his liberties with Lisbet. Some of them ravens will slow roast as many women as they can get their hands on. I suppose he decided to give the others a pass?” Diya asked.
“Yeah. Big surprise, there,” Peep snorted.
“Actually, Peep, yeah it is. I mean that. Lots a his type woulda burned all them girls slowly for Moon worship. Some of them, that’s their whole thing. So, ye got yarself a good one there. He did the minimum to cover his ass, and left it at that.”
Peep grunted thoughtfully and took a minute before giving Diya a sideways look.
“So ye weren’t sure Barrelmender weren’t gonna slow roast all of Thad’s bitches, but ye handed them over to him anyways?” Peep asked.
Diya chuckled. “Yeah. I suppose so. But, I was here keeping an eye on things, wasn’t I?”
“So, what? Ye were gonna do something about it if he went that way?”
“It didn’t come to that. So, let’s just leave it at that. We got other ground to cover here, anyways, and we should get to it. I don’t wanna have to deal with any of yar boys if they come up here looking for ye,” Diya said.
“True enough. Okay, what’s on yar mind?”
“First off, I’m sorry that I didn’t give ye a proper heads-up about Sneed coming back. He crept up on me. They musta come through Gorefield from the north, is the only thing I can think of. Because they aint as sneaky as all that. Not on horses, anyways. I had my critters looking out more to the east, the way they went out.”
“Okay. It’s Sneed and his three boys, right? Kerl, Dane, and Ermin.”
“Yeah, that’s right. All four showed up in Bristlenook day before yesterday, talking to folk about what ye’ve been up to,” Diya said.
“Did he talk to you?”
“He tried. He came up my path and hollered at my place. I decided not to be there. At least not in this form,” Diya smiled.
“So then they piss off and ye pull yar trip on Thad. I guess ye know what Sneed did to Bob Yesterday?”
“Yeah, I heard something was up at the farm there and did a flyover. It was Sneed and his three guys, with Kerl doing the deed. Right after that they went back to Bristlenook again. They stopped by Lucky’s and heard about Thad coming here. There were a bunch of folks there gossiping about Thad and all that. Of course,” Diya said.
“Did ye see all this yarself?”
“I followed them there, yeah. And hung about to have a listen. Ravens have great hearing, ye know.”
“No shit. So were any of them at Lucky’s hanging yar name on the situation?”
“No. No one but Thad and his women knew I’d come around. All they knew was that Thad stopped by Lucky’s on his way here and told him and Becky that he was gonna save everyone by healing the rift between the two communities.”
“Lucky remembered all that?” Peep chuckled.
“Becky did. Anyways, Sneed didn’t hear about me putting my hand in at that time, but he went straight to Thad’s place after Lucky’s.”
“Oh, they did, did they?”
“Yeah. Sneed left his boys nearby and went to Thad’s place all friendly like. The women were already scared and worried about Thad leaving like that. They told him all about my visit and everything that Thad had been saying before he left. Sneed was real nice, but told them firmly that if Thad went to the church in Bristlehump, he wasn’t going to be coming back. He told the women that they should go back to their people. He told the ones from Bristlehump that they needed to go back home and go to church and be good.”
Peep scowled in confusion at this. “What’s he playing at there?”
“He’s an Outfit man, Peep. That sort don’t thrive by driving a wedge into families. They do most of their evil with people that are already getting dirty with them. He’s playing at being a force for stability and normality. He wants to take some of the credit when those families get their girls back.”
“Shit. Fucker. But we already got his death warrant, so I don’t know why he’d bother,” Peep said.
“All the more reason to play it nice, I’d say. Sure, ye got yar paper on him from yar pissant baron here. But Sneed aint from here. He’s from the south. And he cut his teeth gacking Alquinians at the front. So ye think he don’t got some friends in high places, too?”
Peep grunted. “Okay. Fair enough. So how d’ye know all about his type and what they’re like, way out here in the bush?”
“I’m older than I look, and it aint like I’m living under a rock out here. Ye may have noticed that this spot is a busy route for bandits and other shady sorts that want to skirt the edge of the Kingdom. I’m known as a safe haven for those that can behave themselves. Food and healing, for a price. You came up with pure bandits, right? Well, that sort have no reason to get along with the small folk of the world. And soldiers and knights pretty much do as they like, too, when they’re dealing with people they aint supposed to be protecting. But bounty hunters and shady muscle for civilized bosses have to be mindful of their reputation. If they start taking too many liberties, they’re gonna have problems. Just look at what happened with yar boy there, Mason, the Chisel. Every bandit around here was shitting their britches about him, but the woodcutters, farmers, and the like just kept their heads down and ignored him. And even then he got middled into being an outlaw once the Baron’s man noticed him. What was his name, the one that strung up the Chisel’s men?” Diya asked.
“Captain Fairchild. Yar well informed for a bark chewer.”
“That’s right. Where I’m at, I need to be. And aren’t you happier for it. So, anyways, back to Sneed and Thad’s women. It aint all benevolence with that guy. Obviously. He did his whole concerned shepherd performance for them, but then he took them two new girls away with him. Them prostitutes that came over to Thad after ye burned Tully’s down. Sneed told them he was gonna set them up with something and take care of them now. Didn’t give them any choice about it, though. They went along with him peacefully, anyways. After that, Sneed handed them off to the other three and came up my path again to holler at me. Said that he aint got any interest in hurting anyone that stays outta his way. Then he and his boys took the two women north to Gorefield.”
“So that was yesterday afternoon,” Peep said.
“Correct.”
“Ye were following them from the Rodolf farm to Bristlenook, ye said? How’s they do that? What way did they go, I mean?”
“From the farm, they rode west on the road to the old trading post. Then they crossed the crick and went north into that whole mess of bush there. Then they hopped over the hump just to the north of Bristlenook and came down that way.”
Peep nodded. “Yeah, we went through that way the once. After we met Nester at Lucky’s and Sneed and his showed up. Just before we hit Tully’s. There’s a whole mess of trails through there. No real way to set up on that.”
“Exactly. That’s the bandit route to hook around Bristlehump heading south. Or north, I guess, depending on one’s journey. About that. That thing I said I was gonna do for ye before: give ye a heads up about men heading this way. Well, my critters have come through. We got men on horses heading this way from the northeast. Birds aren’t the best at counting, so all I can say is more than a dozen and less than two. Probably. They’d be just over a day out, now.”
“Okay, that’d be Dugnut. Giddy up,” Peep said, rubbing her palms together.
“That’s right. And with that, I’m gonna leave ye to it. I’m gonna light outta these parts for a while,” Diya said, sighing heavily. “I’ve decided to head north and look into this whole goblin business.”
“Uh-huh. That’s been grinding on ye, ye said. And yar just thinking about looking into it now?” Peep asked.
Diya gave her a sharp, sideways look. “No. I’ve been waiting on word from a friend about it. Another druid to the north; a friend of mine. He’s been keeping an eye on it. For the last year, or so, all the goblin tribes from all around have gathered in one big valley. They’ve been staying put and breeding the whole time. And not eating their young.”
“What’s that now? Eating their young?” Peep scowled.
“Oh, ye don’t know about that? Yeah, they normally do.”
“We fought people, mostly. Never had much a reason to learn about gobos.”
“Well ye do now. Ye’d best start. Yeah, normally, ye can’t tell the difference between male and female gobos. They all act the same, and their downstairs business is the same, too. Like chickens,” Diya said.
“Yeah, I know that. Ye can spot the babies clinging to the moms when they’re little.”
“Right. They nurse litters up of up to ten, or so. When they get about the size of rats, they just scrape them off and leave them behind, generally. The juveniles survive however they can. Often by eating each other. But if food is scarce, the mothers will just eat their young. Or, stronger goblins will eat them. Natural population control.”
“Okay, that makes sense. I think maybe I heard something about it. So, what? Yar friend said the gobos up north aint doing that?” asked Peep.
“Right. Goblins become a nightmare whenever they have a steady food source. A female can pop out a litter every couple of months. Sooner, if they don’t bother nursing them at all. And they’re basically full sized after just a year, or so. Dangerous at even a couple months old. So, if ye get a few breeding in a grain elevator unchecked, ye can suddenly have a few hundred swarming outta there within a few months.”
Peep thought about this for a while. She finally groaned before continuing:
“So, what yar saying is that all the gobos in this whole fuckin area have gathered into a giant breeding orgy for the last year?”
“That’s right. With enough food, it could be hundreds of thousands. Goblin apocalypse, is right. So it aint just dreams that are keeping me up at night,” Diya said.
“So, why the fuck didn’t ye say something before?” Peep snapped.
“What, because we been on such close speaking terms? Be thankful I’m telling ye now. Anyways, my friend was supposed to come out and report to me by now. Or, at least send me an animal messenger. He’s been good about that. At least twice a month I get something from him. It’s been almost a month now, and nothing. So I have to go and check this out myself. I’ve got others relying on me to pass the word.”
“Other what?” asked Peep.
“Other druids, of course. We stay in touch. Keep our ear to the ground for each other. Watching out for yar lot, mostly.”
“Oh, no doubt? So, hold up. If the gobos are sitting tight and breeding like that, they gotta be getting all that food from someplace, right? It’s just wilderness up there aint it? If they could swing this kinda thing on their own out in the bush, they’d be doing this all the time, right?”
“Exactly. And there you have it. Where are they getting their food from?” Diya said
“Why don’t you tell me? What about that bunch of druids in the Moondark? The Blood Circle. The ones that skin folk alive. Ye think maybe they have the means to feed up a goblin hoard?”
Diya scoffed. “I told ye before: druids are no friends of goblins. Not even druids like the Blood Circle.”
“So says you.”
“Yeah. So says me. And ye can believe me, or not. Either way, aint nothing ye can do about it.”
“True enough. So, speaking of doing something, just what is it yar planning to do when them goblins bust outta there?” Peep asked.
“Same as you, I expect. I’ll kill as many as I can. And when that aint good enough, I’ll get the fuck outta here. If I can.”
“And whad’ye reckon the Blood Circle will do about them?”
“Same thing they always do: kill all intruders ugly. But they aint gonna need to. Remember that many of them breeders are from around here. They already know what’s what. They’ll spread the word,” Diya said.
“Suppose so. Alright, then. I guess that’s about that,” Peep said, meeting Diya’s eye to make sure.
“Yes. I suppose it is.”
Peep and Diya both stood up. Thet hesitated just a moment before shaking hands. This time, the Holy Fire left them to it.
“Take care. Don’t be a stranger,” Peep said.
“Yeah. Same to you. With what’s coming, I’m not sure that it really matters, but I’d appreciate it if ye abide by our agreement and steer clear of Bristlenook. And don’t tell nobody I’m gone, neither.”
“Yeah, alright,” Peep said.
“Thanks. If I can, I’ll try to send word. If Nester shows up and has a lot to say, yar ranger there, Shane, should be able to speak to him. He’s an old hand of the bush; he oughta have the spell.”
“I suppose he does. So ye know of Shane, do ye?”
“Oh, yeah. I’ve heard plenty about him over the years. With him being on yar side of things, of course, I never sought him out.”
Peep looked over at Nester, who was not perched on the top of the steeple.
“Ack,” said Nester.
“Yeah, same to you, buddy,” Peep replied. She looked back to Diya: “Speaking of Nester, is really a man that got turned into a bird by a witch. He aint yar ex-lover, is he?”
Diya laughed. “Oh, hell no. That’s just some nonsense that people made up years ago. Druids can change people into critters, but who would punish someone by turning them into something as nice as a magpie? And why do that, anyways, when ye can hold them down with vines and have a rose bush grow up their ass? Of course, there was a man named Nester who was carrying on with druid lady out in the bush. That much is true. And he disappeared. She always told me he got killed by a cougar, but who knows. Maybe she was that cougar. Anyways, Nester is what you would call my snitch. And what Barrelmender would call my familiar. But it aint really like that. He aint tied to me, or anything. We’re just good buddies. I did Awaken him. That’s a druid spell that gives animals or plants human intelligence. I did that him right about the time that the man Nester disappeared, and bird Nester heard the gossip about the situation and decided to fuck with people by sitting in Nester’s seat at Lucky’s and all that. They named him that. And he liked it, so that’s his name.”
“Ack!” Nester agreed.
“Alright, then. Cheeky fucker. No surprise,” Peep said.
“Ack, ack, ack!”
“For sure. All right. I’ll keep my eyes open for him. Although, he never seems to have a problem getting noticed. Just don’t shit on me!” Peep told him.
“Ack.”
“No, he wouldn’t do that. He likes you. Okay, then. That’s it, I’m off,” Diya said.
And with that, she was. Once again, she folded into herself as she transformed into the giant raven and flapped off, heading northwards.
“Ack!” Nester said to Peep before following Diya.
“Yeah, see ya, buddy. Ack, indeed. Ack, ack, ack,” Peep finished quietly to herself as she stared out over Bristlehump to the seemingly endless expanse of woods to the north.
Muse Vassal 