Table of Contents – (spoilers)
It was the morning after Peep and Pinch had tracked down and killed the ex-corporal Butters, the Outfit man that had gutshot Choke in Spitzer fort. Peep, Choke, Knuckle, and Corporal Dom were heading back to the cabin where Peep had left Pinch overnight with the women they had saved from Butters. They were bringing with them Pinch’s horse, Knickers, along with one of their mules to transport Butters’ body.
“I can’t believe you left Pinch alone all night with those two women!” Choke admonished Peep as they rode out of Bristlehump, heading south.
“Look, I know leaving him out there wasn’t the safest thing. But, there wasn’t much of a choice. The place aint near Bristlenook, and Sneed aint in play yet. And, yeah, there’s still the price on our heads, but if them two women were the sort to cut a man’s throat, for any reason, they’d a found a chance to do it to Butters during the night, fucked up drunk that he was. They’re harmless. We just gotta remember to pay them for their troubles.”
“Fuck!” Knuckle bellowed, looking even angrier than Choke. “Fuckin pipsqueak gets to kill Butters and spend a whole night in a fuckin cabin with a jug and two hoors! I fuckin told the both of ye to wait for me!”
“Yeah, well, that aint the way it broke, big man. Sorry. And I’m sure the girls will let ye have a turn with them. Ye can afford it,” Peep said.
Dom snorted.
“The risk of Pinch being killed out there was not what I was talking about!” Choke interjected, yelling now himself. “Although, since you bring it up, that is an even better reason not to have done it!”
“What the fuck would ye have me do? Drag them two bitches through the bush at night?” Peep yelled back.
“You could have stayed there with him! It would be more secure, and with you there, you might have prevented… well, you know.”
“Prevented what? Pinch getting it on with them? More than likely I’d have to suffer listening to it half the fuckin night. And who the fuck cares if he does? He deserves it. Ye aint his fuckin priest, man,” Peep said.
“That’s true,” Knuckle said. “Sir,” he added as Choke shot him a murderous look.
They rode on in silence, then.
That morning they had decided to ride out the south gate and take the quickest route up and over the South Hill to get to the teamster’s hunting cabin up on the next ridge. The previous evening, Choke and the others had returned to Henri’s tent brothel. They had packed it up and taken the corpses of Henri and the murdered woman to the church for Barrelmender to bury. When they went back the clearing on the south hill that morning, the site had barely a sign of what had gone on there.
While they were being direct in their route to the cabin, the party were still being cautious. This time it was Peep and Dom alternating point, with Choke and Knuckle in the middle with the mule and Knickers. However, they stayed mounted and did not spend much time waiting at points to surveille the surroundings. They made good time, without encountering anything. When they had made it up out of the hollow and cleared the trees up on the ridge, Knuckle spoke up:
“So… there’s two hoors up here with Pinch, right?”
Peep and Dom chuckled. Choke sighed.
“Yeah, that’s right,” Peep answered. “What’s on yar mind, big guy?”
“So, I was just thinking, I guess. I mean, once we bring them back to town, are they still gonna be hoors?”
“I don’t know man. I aint given it much thought. I suppose so,” Peep laughed.
“Well, wait a minute,” Choke said, reining up, his brow furrowing. “Knuckle: what are you getting at?”
Everyone else reined up, too. Out in front, Peep sighed.
“Okay, guys,” she hissed back at Choke and Knuckle, “maybe, we should just get the fuck going and talk over the hoors later, huh? Conversating like this out here, sitting tall in the saddle as we are, we’re presenting ourselves as targets just a bit.”
Knuckle nodded and dismounted. Choke and Dom did as well.
“Okay, now, I was just thinking, right?” Knuckle continued. “If they’re gonna be hoors now, where are they gonna do that? We burned down the hoorhouse, right?”
“For fuck sakes,” Peep muttered. Still in the saddle, she had a good look around. It was fairly open here with good visibility, and there was no sign of anyone else around. Unless someone had done a great job on a blind, it was highly unlikely that they would actually be ambushed.
Peep rode ahead a few meters and dismounted to hunker down next to a taller clump of grass with her warbow in hand. She then gestured back at Dom for him to keep watch behind them. He took a few steps back to face down the trail the way they had come.
“Okay, I see what you’re saying, Knuckle, but I don’t really think it’s all that important for us right now,” Choke said.
“Well, I dunno, right? I mean, we’re gonna go up to this cabin right away, and then they’re gonna be with us, and then we bring them back to town, and then we’re gonna get all busy with all kinds a other shit, and then they’ll probably just fuck off and do whatever they’re gonna do. And I was just thinking that we oughta decide what we want them to do. Right?”
This gave Choke pause.
“So what yar saying, Knuckle,” Peep interjected from up the trail, “is that ye don’t wanna lose track of them hoors.”
“Well, yeah, kinda. But, do we want our town to have hoors? That’s what I’m saying. And if we let them slip, then someone is just gonna step up to wrangle them again. And maybe that’s okay for us and I’ll shut the fuck up about it. But maybe they’ll run off to Bristlenook to hook up with that Thad cocksucker. So, is that what we want?” Knuckle said.
Choke held his hand up for silence, and took another long moment to think before he replied:
“I see what you’re saying, Knuckle. But I don’t really think it’s our place to decide any of that.”
“But, aint it, though? I mean when we busted into Goldy’s joint and killed him and the other bandits, we took along that one bitch and her kid, right?”
“Amia, her name was,” Peep interjected.
“Whatever. We brought her out, same way we’re gonna bring these hoors out today, and what did she do? She blew Thorn first chance she got. So whatever the fuck she was before that, she was pretty much setting herself up to be a hoor going forward, right? And then we get to Callic and the priest there, what did he do? He fuckin wrangled her a husband, is what,” Knuckle nodded emphatically as he reached his point.
“Oh. Alright… yeah,” Peep muttered as she saw where Knuckle was going with this.
“Yes…” Choke said slowly. “Father Nate did do that. That was his prerogative as the priest of that community.”
“Yeah…” Knuckle returned, just as slowly, and proceeded as though taking to someone very stupid: “And we got Barrelmender, who’s the priest of this community, and he does pretty much everything ye tell him to. So…”
“So why buy the milk when ye can have the cow for free, is what yar saying,” Peep said.
“Well, I aint saying it’s gotta be me. I aint seen either of them yet, for one. They’re probably all fucked out. But, maybe they aint. And I am a sergeant in the King’s army now. We’re set up here in town. Why the fuck shouldn’t I get married, if I want?”
“And what about what she wants?” Peep said.
“I’m not fuckin saying we force her. But, ye know, it can’t hurt to see how it goes, right? And if Barrelmender pushes it, then it’s all good.”
“Look, Knuckle, you have every right to get married. Subject to my approval, I believe. But I don’t think marrying a prostitute just because you want to save money on coerced sex is going to be the right move for you. Give it some time, and I’m sure you’ll meet someone more suitable,” Choke said.
“Yeah, thanks. With this fuckin face?” Knuckle gestured at his face scarred with Goldy’s thrown axe and the horrible, puckered giant-spider bites. “Anyways, it aint even like it’s gotta be for me. If we get Barrelmender to marry them to anybody in town, then everybody wins, right?”
“I dunno, man. Unless Barrelmender gets real active and involved, a town this size is gonna develop some harlotry. One way or another. I think we should just leave it be and it’ll sort itself out,” Peep said.
Knuckle flared up, set to respond to her, but Choke raised his hand to forestall that.
“I’ve heard what you’ve said,” Choke said. “I’ll think it over and talk to Brother Barrelmender about it. Alright?”
“Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Choke.”
Choke clapped Knuckle on the shoulder. Then he gave the hand signal for them to move out.
They reached the cabin in just another fifteen minutes. There was a fire in the outdoor firepit, with a large kettle of stugroot warming on a rock next to it. Pinch had been sitting by the fire with the two women, but had stood up with his bow when he heard the horses coming down the trail.
“Fuckin prick!” Knuckle barked at Pinch as he and the others reined up and dismounted. “I fuckin told ye to wait!”
“Pipe down, Knucklehead. It was my call,” Peep said.
“No. It wasn’t,” Pinch said, standing square with his bow in hand, facing Knuckle. “This fuck,” he nodded to Butters’ corpse on the ground by the bench, “shot Choke on my watch. So it was my call. My kill. So if ye don’t like it, Knuckle, we can have it out when we get back to town. But let me tell ye, man, if we do, ye’d better fuckin kill me. Because I’m done getting pushed around by ye.”
“The fuck you say?” Knuckle flared up.
“Ye heard me.”
“That’s enough! Shut up, the both of you!” Choke barked.
“Good morning, ladies,” Dom said, tipping his brow their way.
The women waved demurely back. Mornings were still a little cold at times, so both women were wrapped up next to the fire: one in a wool blanked, and another in a bear fur.
“Ah, thank you Corporal,” Choke said. He stepped out in front of the rest and removed his helmet to give the women a nod. “Ladies, we forget our manners. My name is Lieutenant Bartholomew Pekot. I understand you have had a terrible time. We will escort you back to the church where you will be safe. May I ask your names?”
“Yeah. I’m Annica. She’s Mya,” the tall spokeswoman said.
“Well, I wish we could have met under better circumstances for you. I just hope we can help improve your situation. Now, may I ask: are you alright? Is there anything you need?”
“Oh, we’re good enough, I suppose, Lieutenant,” Annica said. “Good as can be expected, I suppose, given that ye and yar bunch killed our man and burned down his joint, putting us out into the cold world to be snatched up by every random-ass, idgit thug with a nasty thought in mind. But I’ll be a far sight better when ye up on what the good lady there promised us. She said if we treated yar man here nice, there’d be more coin in it for us. And, let me tell ye, we’ve both done good work being real nice to him, every which way, both last night and this morning. So, ye’ve run up a tab, is what I’m saying. If ye beg my pardon, yar lordship.”
“Motherfucker,” Knuckle growled through clenched teeth.
Choke sighed deeply and looked despairingly at Peep. “Really?” he asked.
Peep smirked and shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah, well, ye know. Thought it would be less risky that way. In the way ye weren’t worried about at first this morning. Ye catch my drift?” she said. She then looked Annica’s way: “Yeah, I got ye covered. We’ll get ye paid up back at town.”
“What, at the church? I think not!” Choke snapped.
“Don’t worry on my account,” Pinch said, shooting a smug look Knuckle’s way. “I’ve got the coin, ladies. I’ll settle up with ye on my own.” He pulled his coin purse from inside his breeches and unlaced it from his belt. “With what ye got last night, this oughta do the trick, shouldn’t it?” he asked as he handed them each a small silver coin.
“I reckon it does, sweetie,” Annica smiled as she rose to take it and give Pinch a kiss on the cheek. Mya did the same, moving to his other side to squeeze in on him.
“And let me say, Pinchy-poo,” Annica continued, “it weren’t all business! Ye showed us a real good time with that big ol fellow of yars. Didn’t he, now?” she asked Mya, who nodded and giggled, burying her face into Pinch’s neck.
“Yeah, okay!” Peep exclaimed, handing her reins off to Dom as she stepped towards the trio. “Ye bitches can lay off soaping him up. He aint yar new daddy. Go put this shit back in the cabin. It aint yars,” Peep swatted at the blanket and fur the women had wrapped themselves is. “Go on! Scoot!”
The women disentangled themselves from Pinch and moved into the cabin, waving coyly first at Pinch, and then Knuckle and Dom.
“Well, alright,” Peep said, looking over at Butters’ corpse and the bench it was beside. “I’m glad ye got something fuckin done besides fuckin,”
Pinch had rolled the body up in its cloak and tied it up with rawhide cords. The cloak was on backwards so that the hood covered the face. Butters’ naked legs were sticking out the bottom. Peep took note of the naked feet.
“Ye pulled the boots off?” she asked.
Pinch shrugged. “Well, I figured that we got a lot of guys to take care of now. They’re good boots. They’re in the saddlebags,” Pinch gestured to the bench against the side of the cabin.
On the bench were two saddles, with their saddlebags attached, as well as the crossbow, with two quivers. Butters’ spear and roundshield were just as he had left them: leaning against the end of the bench by the cabin door.
“Alright, looks good to go. Let’s saddle up that horse and load Butters up on Betsy,” Peep said gesturing towards their mule. “Come on. Knuckle. Dom. Load him up.”
Dom nodded, but Knuckle’s face contorted in rage.
“The fuck?” he exploded. “Pinch fuckin killed him, and then spent the whole night and morning fucking, and I’m the one that’s gotta load up the body? Fuck that! I aint touching that shit!”
Choke pinched the bridge of this nose with a pained expression while Peep and Knuckle glared at each other. Knuckle pressed on, albeit somewhat calmer:
“Yeah, and now yar gonna give me that psycho look like yar gonna cut my throat in the middle of the night. Fuck that! I’m a fuckin sergeant! Ye don’t tell me what to do like that. Yar just an irregular scout, whatever the fuck that means. I outrank ye, Peep! Ye don’t boss me around like that!”
Peep continued to stare up at Knuckle, her hands loose down at her sides. After a long moment, she tilted her head to the side like a confused dog and stared some more. Her eyes were expressionless.
“What?” Knuckle finally said, almost all his bluster gone. He looked over at Choke, who stared disbelievingly back. “I aint wrong, am I? I outrank her. We all do.”
“I am the only reason, ye stupid fuck,” Peep said, her voice slow and ominously calm, “that ye aint dead in a ditch somewheres with a horseshoe jammed up yar ass. Without me and my blessing, alls of ye aint even in the army, never mind having whatever the fuck rank ye got. So I don’t give a shit who ye think ye outrank, ye fuckin cretin. Ye don’t outrank me. And ye talk back to me like that again, I’ll do worse than cut yar throat.”
Peep and Knuckle were staring into each other’s eyes this whole time. As Peep finished her threat, Knuckle deflated.
“Well, fuck. Alright, then. I was just fuckin saying,” he whined.
“Yar just talking shit, as usual. Now put the fuckin body on the mule. Ye can do it by yarself. Tie it down proper,” Peep ordered.
Knuckle flushed. He took a couple of steps towards Butters’ corpse, but stopped suddenly and stabbed his finger at Peep.
“Ye can push a man too far, ye know! All of ye, treating me like some kinda servant! Last to know shit! Ye all could be a lot nicer to me!” Knuckle hollered.
“Oh, enough! Shut the fuck up, man!” Choke yelled back at him. “And that is an order! Do as she said!”
Knuckle stomped the rest of the way to the corpse. He bent down low to scoop it up and throw it over his shoulder. Physically, this was no problem for him at all, since Knuckle was, after all, a very large and powerful man. As well, Pinch had done a good job binding the body’s limbs into the cloak it was wrapped in, so that they did not flop about. However, as Knuckle dropped the body across his shoulder and stood up, it simultaneously emitted a loud burp and an epic fart.
“Ahhhhh!” Knuckle yelled in disgust as he staggered towards the mule.
Peep, Dom, Pinch, and Choke all scattered.
“Gaah! That would gag a fuckin maggot!” Peep laughed, waving her hand in front of her face as she reeled away.
“Ah, fuck! Fuckin fuck!” Knuckle yelled as he chucked the corpse across Betsy the mule’s pack saddle.
Betsy was none too impressed with any of this, either. She skittered to the side, rendering Knuckle’s already rough placement of the corpse completely ineffectual. The body pitched over the other side and fell on the ground, where Betsy stepped on it for good measure in her attempt to get away from Knuckle.
“Aaaahhh! It fuckin shit on me! Oh, fuck!” Knuckle shouted, holding up the arm he had held the corpse onto his shoulder with. It was indeed coated in a nasty effusion.
Knuckle staggered over to the edge of the cabin’s terrace and threw up over the side.
After this, it took some time for everyone to settle down. Now feeling badly for Knuckle, Pinch took a large bucket down to the spring to bring up some water. Unfortunately for everyone, with all the jostling, Butters had completely evacuated. The smell was much worse. While Knuckle cleaned himself up in a washtub, Pinch and Dom ran down to the spring to bring up more buckets of water to douse the corpse. This could only go so far, as the wool cloak Butters was wrapped in was now well saturated with shit. Still, while no one was willing to give it a proper wash, their efforts did mitigate the worst of it.
Finally, in continued sympathy for Knuckle, Pinch and Dom loaded the body onto Betsy. In doing so, it immediately became obvious why Knuckle had suffered the degree of shit contamination that he had. Pinch had done a good job tying up the corpse in its cloak. However, he had only used the one cloak. With it on backwards, the cloak had slipped, and Butters’ naked, shitty ass was hanging out. Once again, no one was willing to handle the soiled cloak more than absolutely necessary, so they left Butters as he was: face down, naked ass up, across the back of the mule.
“Well, now! That is just about right for the likes of him!” Peep exclaimed happily.
“I can’t disagree. But, perhaps, we should cover him up a little more. Corporal: see if you can find some old burlap, or something,” Choke said to Dom.
“Oh, who cares? He deserves it,” Peep said.
“That may be, but we have more decorum than that.”
“Also,” Pinch interjected, “with the reputation that Dugnut’s been spreading around about us and the Pekot school, I don’t know if parading him through town with his ass out like that is what we really want. We don’t want people thinking that… ye know…”
“What? That we ass-fucked him to death?” Knuckle said, still scowling hard. “I dunno. Why the fuck not? With all the action I’ve been getting, I’m about ready to start some of that.”
“Sergeant. Please,” Choke winced.
“Well, Knuckle, if that’s true, he’s set to go for ye. D’ye need a boost?” Peep laughed.
“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Fuck.”
Dom soon found a large sack that they split open to cover up Butters’ shame. They then had to deal with the extra saddle left from Peep riding the horse bareback back to town the night before. They tied this down on top of the corpse. Butters’ chainmail, crossbow, and quivers went on top of that.
Annica and Mya had been watching all the proceedings from within the cabin with some amusement. When everything was ready to go, they came out to join everyone outside.
“Ladies: thank you for your patience,” Choke said. “Just so you know, we have what must be your belongings safe at the church. We shall go there now. We have an extra horse here. Do you think the two of you could double up on it to ride back? Or do you want to double with myself and one of my sergeants?”
“I reckon we can manage on a horse of our own, yar lordship,” Annica said with a good amount of sass, still clearly showcasing a healthy dislike for Choke.
He ignored her attitude.
“Very good. Well, help yourselves then. Keep just behind me on the trail, please. We shall do our utmost to keep you safe.”
With this, they all mounted up and headed out. On the trail back, swaying on the back of Betsy the mule, Butters’ corpse continued leaking wet farts as they went. By the time they reached town, Knuckle was finally able to derive some amusement from it, along with the others.
Muse Vassal 