Triceratops

When I was five, visiting my grandparents for the summer in Ontario, some relative gave me a big book about dinosaurs. Pretty sweet gift, I must say. (I thought so then, too.) One afternoon, I was leafing through that book on the porch of my grandparents’ cabin on the Ottawa river and some random adult asked me what my favorite dinosaur was.

What? I don’t know. I don’t have one. I didn’t know this was something I was meant to have figured out. I barely knew these things existed a week ago, and now I’m supposed to have them categorized in order of preference?

Well, I suppose I’ve got to get onto figuring this out, if there’s going to be fuckin pop quizzes about it.

It was a bit of a toss up. Of course, the t-rex was the front runner. But those little arms were putting me off, and the book had a really badass picture of a triceratops goring the shit out of a t-rex’s gut.

The more I thought about it, the more that triceratops really seemed to have a lot going on. Low center of gravity; armor; the horns; and looking strong as fuck. Just to shop around a bit, I spent some time also considering those ones with the club tails. They were intriguing, but just didn’t really have it going on in the same way.

Okay! Triceratops it is!

That fall I was off to grade one as my first school experience, having skipped kindergarten. School quickly became a nightmare world of bullies and sociopathic teachers, but at least I have my favorite dinosaur figured out. I got that shit handled; can’t stump me on that one.

Turns out that random adult had done me a real solid with his little quiz there.

What’s my favorite dinosaur? Motherfuckin triceratops. I got that shit on deck, just waiting to get all up in your shit, you boring-ass t-rex groupie.

What, you got yerself a plastic t-rex there? That asshole falls flat on his face if given half the chance. Watch out his arms don’t snap off. Me? I got something I can put both your eyes out with at the same time if I want. Even have a spare horn there to get into your nose with while we’re at it.

And fuck you with your brontosaurus, you limp piece of shit.

Tri-fuckin-ceratops.