Road Trip

by Balls Malone

After about an hour of driving she had one of her episodes where she compulsively needed semen. Happy to oblige, I pulled over and she blew me. For all her enthusiasm, she was never very good at head. It was like she was attacking it; little animalistic grunts with manic, jerky motions. A bit frightening, actually, but head is head.

Afterwards, inevitably, her mood soured. We stopped a while later for lunch and recriminations.

Friendship

You know that feeling when someone you care about suddenly comes out with a really obnoxious, pseudo-political opinion that you know they picked up from some toxic talk radio host, or a co-worker they spend too much time with; and they just won’t shut up about it because they want to have an argument; and you know their argument is as fucked as their opinion, but at this point you only know it on an intuitive level, and you don’t want to argue about it, so you try to disagree vaguely; but they just keep fucking at it until you snap and start arguing; and now you’re into it and you get into the zone and you completely fucking destroy their whole argument, from foundation on up, and you get excited because now you have figured out why their argument and opinion is fucked and have told them so; and they totally ignore everything you said and just keep repeating their useless fucking talking points like you haven’t completely demolished them already; and they still WON’T FUCKING SHUT UP; and you get this wave of hatred for them that is only as profound as it is because you love them so much; so you fucking snap and totally lose your shit and get completely inappropriate; and then they wander up the high road, like some kind of long suffering martyr, and call the argument quits because you’re “getting too upset,” and they forgive you with this shit-eating grin of theirs; and you just want to stab them in the neck; to feel their hot life’s blood squirting through your fingers; but instead you calm down and go and get something to eat with them; and later on they bring up the “argument” to a third party and frame it in such a way that makes it seem like they totally won; and now you don’t give a shit because you love them like you are a cretinous puppy, so you smile and nod, and throw out some mea culpa for losing your temper; and when you finally get home you really feel like it was pretty good day?

Friendship.