by Balls Malone After about an hour of driving she had one of her episodes where she compulsively needed semen. Happy to oblige, I pulled over and she blew me. For all her enthusiasm, she was never very good at head. It was like she was attacking it; little animalistic grunts with manic, jerky motions. … Continue reading Road Trip
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haiku
Commuting on the Local Japanese Train
I live in the mountains of central Tohoku, Japan. Every workday, I commute about an hour each way by local train. The line I take cuts through numerous rural villages and natural areas, including a scenic volcano with ski resorts. It’s beautiful. There’s a rhythm to the train that I love. The rocking of the … Continue reading Commuting on the Local Japanese Train
America’s Patriotic Cop Killers
When American gun lovers and gun violence fanboys fall back on the argument that they need the Second Amendment and their guns to protect against governmental tyranny, please keep in mind that they just told you that they need their guns in case they need to kill police officers. That is the practicality of what … Continue reading America’s Patriotic Cop Killers
Hot Yoga
Assuming you’re hot, if you don’t post a picture of yourself doing yoga in an idyllic location every now and again, how are people going to know how deeply fulfilled you are as a human being? They won’t know! And that would be deeply unfulfilling. Inner peace and fulfillment just isn’t the same without an … Continue reading Hot Yoga
Law of Attraction
“You can do or be anything you want so long as you want it enough and work hard enough.” This is a nice thought. Unfortunately, it is total bullshit. Quadriplegics do not get to be firefighters. Stupid people do not get to be brain surgeons. These are facts of life. You may be thinking, “duh, … Continue reading Law of Attraction
I'm sure it's no picnic being blind, but at least you must be able to save a lot of money on prostitutes! Just get an ugly one; it's not like you'll notice the difference. The ugly ones usually have a stronger work ethic, too. Win, win! -Balls Malone
Movie!
Movie, movie, movie, movie. Bad movie! Bad example movie! Controversy! Movie, movie, movie, movie, movie. Oscars! Movie! Movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie! Snub! Racism! Movie, movie, movie, movie. Red carpet! Gown! Fashion! Want! Movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie.
Ikea Ball Pit
Like so many, when I was a kid I really, really loved the ball room at Ikea. It was a special, magical world; so tactile, lurid, and fuckin fun! I believe I was four years old the last time I went into one. It was a formative experience for me. Now, the time before my … Continue reading Ikea Ball Pit
With cats being so persnickety about everything, why can't they put their goddamned hairballs in their litterbox like everything else? #morningpresent
Muse Vassal 