Author: musevassal

I’ll Give Em a Jolly Rodger

by Balls Malone If I was a pirate captain in the days of yore, I would name my ship “Forcible Sodomy.” However, I'd only sodomize the captives that looked disappointed when I told them the name is strictly metaphorical. And even then I'd be gentle and use lots and lots of whatever was the best … Continue reading I’ll Give Em a Jolly Rodger →

Settled

Sometimes I sit transfixed, consumed by conflicting feelings. A great doom approaches. Everything is as it should be. These notions fight; seeking an equilibrium with each other, and I am disturbed by their struggle. Yet I have come to realize, to sense, that these are not conflicting notions. A great doom approaches, and this is … Continue reading Settled →

Ice Sculpture Maintenance and the Married Man

I continue to see these statistics thrown around about the gendered division of household labor; how women are still doing more than their fare share of housework. This is always presented in some direct or oblique way as confirmation of that most nebulous of boogeymen: The Patriarchy. Now, as a man who has consistently done … Continue reading Ice Sculpture Maintenance and the Married Man →

Recorder

One of my favorite memories from childhood concerns recorder class in grade five. Of course, I really hated recorder lessons. Shrill noises bother me, and every kid knows the recorder is a bullshit instrument. There are no recorder bands, recorders in the orchestra, or recorder player superstars. This is one of those, “hey kids! This … Continue reading Recorder →

Enough is Enough With This Guy

by Balls Malone Okay, you know what? Fuck you, Quaker Oats Man! Fuck you and your little self-satisfied, twinkle-eyed, shit-eating smirk. Fuck your stupid neckerchief and your puffy, dandy hair, you goddamned chubby-cheeked sack of shit. What are you anyway, some kind of nineteenth century pimp? Don’t fuck your hat, though. I’ll give you this … Continue reading Enough is Enough With This Guy →

The Spider’s Web

Spider perches and lets slip a filament in the breeze. A strand of her web floating free. In search of an anchor. Where it lands, a spin of chance. The spider pulls her line taught and begins construction. Knowing only that a foundation has been found; she builds her web. She waits to learn that … Continue reading The Spider’s Web →

Party Pooper

Back when I was quitting drinking (barely even out of the DTs yet), I encountered a series of enabling women who tried to drag me out to bars. What a fuckery life is! When I was drinking I couldn't get laid out of a bar if my life depended on it, but now a parade … Continue reading Party Pooper →

Quality Television

It's rather interesting how much of American television is devoted to the themes of sexual assault, violent crime, incest, and the worst kinds of interpersonal backstabbing. And that's just the reality TV. The fiction gets even better. It seems you can display the most unbelievably vicious rape and snuff porn, so long as you don't … Continue reading Quality Television →