Choke and Peep were standing at the north gate with Thad Swallowtail and four of his female followers. Thad had just greeted them in his normal friendly and dazed manner. It was obvious that he was extremely high.
“Good to see ye, too, Thad,” Peep said with a wide grin, stepping in for Choke, who still seemed on the back foot. “What’s up, man? I have to say, we didn’t expect to see you around here again.”
“I know, right? It’s been such a heavy vibration around, man. With all the goblin fantasies and the gloomy clouds of negative thinking. Bummer, dood. Just a real, bummer, right? Alright!”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Peep said. “So, what brings you up here, man? Just popping by to say hello?”
“Oh, if only, Little Wolf. If only. No, my dood, I have important matters to discuss. I’m on a mission, right? Alright! Yeah! Peace is its own reward, my friends! We all are blessed children under the eyes of the Sun! Altas, dood! His love is free! And he wants us to love each other! It’s all love! Oh yeah! It feels so good because it’s so right! Just slide in with it and get all buttery with the golden sunlight of Altas’ love! Don’t let these heavy vibrations of competition and conflict drag us down into a mindset that attracts evil and misfortune, my doods. Let’s all love it out! Love it up! Love it in. Get that love right in you. Alright? Yeah! Alright!”
Thad pitched his voice loud as he finished his speech, obviously speaking as much to the few townsfolk who were gathering as he was Peep and Choke.
“Okay, great,” Choke finally said. “What does that mean, Thad? You’re on a mission, you said?”
“Far out! Yeah. Righteous, my heavy dood.”
“So what are you talking about? What are you here to do? Specifically,” Choke said, his voice tight with anger.
“It’s a mission of peace, my friend. We’re going to smooth it all out, like butter on warm toast, and be brothers in the warm light of Altas, just as it should be,” Thad said, his head bobbing up and down with a wide smile on his face.
“Yes, but what does—” Choke started again.
“That’s awesome man, and I’m going to let you finish, but first I have peace offerings. On account of I really think we’ve been way off on how we’ve been relating to each other, my man. So, here. This is for you, Little Wolf.”
Thad pulled a small leather pouch from his pocket and handed it to Peep with solemn gravity.
“That’s some primo weed and shrooms, my friend,” Thad said as she took the pouch. “I remember how excited you were before about my stash; I figured you could use a top up. Alright? Alright! Yeah! Smooth out all those rough edges, get so buttery and toasted and slide into a realm of higher vibration. Alright! Yeah!”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks, man!” Peep said earnestly.
Choke was opening his mouth to speak, but Thad cut him off again:
“And for you, my heavy dood. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you! Alright? Yeah! Alright! I heard you just got married, my man! Good for you! Yeah! Snuggly and lovey now, right? And we don’t need to get into any heavy cross resonation about how marriage pushes the fallacious notion of ownership of your partner’s sexual love, or that kinda trip, man! I know you’re still gonna be in that iron box of thought, man. It’s alright! Yeah! We all have our own ways of loving, and that’s okay, man! Not everyone can resonate on the more evolved planes of consciousness. So, this is for you! We made it for you! Love is free, man. Love is free, right? It’s free! Alright! Yeah!”
Thad turned back to take the small woven reed box from the woman behind him. He handed it to Choke with both hands and contrived gravity.
“For your wedding, my man.”
Choke hesitated before taking the box. It was cleverly fashioned with a hinged lid. The reeds were still green and had a pleasant smell. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, Choke flipped the box open and peered inside.
“Oh. Oh no,” he said.
Inside the box, nestled in a nest of fine grass was wooden carving about the size of half a loaf of bread. At first glance, it was not immediately clear what it was meant to be, but Choke found its contours and shapes deeply off-putting. Then he realized what he was looking at. It was a wooden representation of something he had been looking at just that very morning: a thick phallus penetrating a swollen vagina.
“Oh no,” Choke said again, flipping the box shut.
“Don’t be like that, my dood!” Thad laughed. “You have to show everybody. It’s love, man! A blessed union of flesh and soul! Alright? Alright! Yeah!”
Thad flipped the box open and got the carving out. He held it aloft for all to see. With the vagina cradled in one hand, Thad proudly grabbed the rounded base of the phallus by its balls and withdrew it, revealing that the carving was indeed two pieces slotted together. The wooden vagina now gaped wide with a hole straight through. Thad beamed a happy smile and turned the phallus around to point at Choke. The glans was carved into a smiling sun face, very much in the vein of more childish Altarian representations of the Sun. Seeing this, Choke again looked to the vagina in Thad’s hand and realized its shape had been subtly stylized to suggest a thicker crescent moon. Both the pieces were life-sized, although the vagina was definitely on the large side, and very plump and swollen, at that. The turgid clitoris thrusting out from its hood was practically a phallus itself. Objectively, the whole piece was marvelously crafted art, which made it all the worse subjectively.
“Wow. That’s really… something,” Peep said, her mouth agape in earnest shock.
“I know! Right, Little Wolf? Yeah! And check this out! Just like in a marriage, where a union of two separate entities becomes one, we can make beautiful, sensual music together!”
Thad began tapping the sun phallus against the side of the moon vagina. The sound of the percussion instrument was surprisingly bright and pleasing. Thad swayed with the rhythm as he tapped, his head thrown back with his eyes closed in contrived ecstasy. The vixens behind him swayed as well, and began to moan and hum mellifluously in the start of a hymn.
The crowd of villagers was thickening fast as folk called out for others to come and witness the spectacle. Shane was amongst the new arrivals. He had his bow in hand and took up a position across the road by the palisade with a good shooting angle on Thad.
“No. No!” Choke barked. “Enough! Stop! I can’t accept this.”
Choke tipped the reed box upside down, dumping out the grass nest inside. Then, between beats, he dropped the box over the upturned phallus in Thad’s hand.
Thad startled and blinked as his performance was disrupted. The women behind him moaned in disappointment.
“Oh, come on, my dood! Don’t be like that! Alright? Yeah! It’s for you! It’s for you and your lovely wife! We made it for you! Alright? It’s to—”
“I don’t care why you made it,” Choke interrupted. “It is blasphemous and I can’t accept it.”
“Oh, yeah. Here we go, man. Again with this heavy vibration! Those iron words of harshness, like clamps crushing a flower in a dungeon of rules and hangups, man.”
“Hey, Thad. Just a question,” Peep interjected.
“Yes, Little Wolf?”
“What do you mean you made that for him? He only got married a couple of days ago. That thing musta taken a lot longer than that to carve.”
“Okay, yeah, well, I guess if you’re looking at time as all linear and harsh like that, dood, then sure, we didn’t actually make it before he got married. Or even before we knew about you. But, when I heard about him getting married, I realized that back when we made it, we were doing it for him and his luscious bride. It was always for them, even if we didn’t actually know it back then.”
“Okay. Yeah, that tracks,” Peep snorted. “And when you say ‘we’ made it, that means someone else actually did it and you claimed it as yours.”
“Yeah! No doubt! Far out!”
By this point there was a good crowd watching this exchange, including Mariola. Choke shot her a look communicating that she should not involve herself. She gave a subtle nod in receipt and eased back a little.
The crowd’s mood was off. This was not simply an entertaining spectacle for them, as might be expected. With all the working folk off to their jobs, the people here were elders, smaller children, and younger mothers. While a few looked amused, most of them seemed worried, if not scared. Some were visibly angry. Choke realized that Barrelmender’s sermon had made a mark on them. Sin would attract the devastation they had all been dreaming of, and here was sin personified in front of them, tapping out a carnal rhythm on devil genitals.
With this realization, Choke’s duty was clear to him. He would now arrest Thad as a heretic. The profane gift was all the justification that he needed. Choke took half a step back to square up to draw his sword, looking significantly to Corporal Dom as he did. Dom gave a subtle nod and eased himself to the side to improve his own angle at Thad.
Thad remained oblivious.
“Hold up!” Peep said loudly, holding both her palms up in the air.
Everyone froze. Each and every soul there.
Peep dropped her hands so that both her Wheels faced Thad. His eyes flared wide.
“Woah. Heavy vibrations, dood. Most heavy.”
“No doubt, my doood. Alright? Yeah! Alright,” Peep said, her lilting mockery of Thad’s speaking tone and cadence dropping to pure menace with the final word.
“Yeah. Alright,” Thad said very quietly, like a child, staring in terror at the Wheels before him.
“Alright. Enough bullshit now. Why are you here, Thad?” Peep asked.
Thad blinked in confusion for a long moment. Then his face clouded with deep anxiety. This broke into a flash of terror as he startled and looked like he was going to run for it.
Choke and Dom both tensed, ready to pounce on him.
“Thad,” Peep said calmly, dropping her palms. “Settle down. Talk to me. It’s me: Little Wolf. Chill your vibration, my dood. Why are you here today? Did Diya send ye?”
Thad slumped in relief.
“Yeah! That’s right! No doubt! Little Wolf, you got it, dood! That’s it! That’s why! Diya!”
“Okay. Right. I think I get this now. Who are ye here to talk to? Just me and the Lieutenant? Were ye just bringing us the presents? Or do ye have something more here that ye have to do?”
Thad blinked in confusion and looked to the wooden vagina in his left hand. He looked to the wooden phallus with the overturned box swinging from its head. He looked back to the vagina and smiled. Relaxed and happy once more, he licked his lips, looking as though he was going to dive right into it.
“Thad! Focus up!” Peep clapped her hands. “Diya sent ye here on a mission. Right? What are ye supposed to do?”
“Right, dood. The present. That’s right. We have to do this thing, man. Far out! Alright? Yeah! Alright!”
Thad cheerfully got the box off the sun phallus, stuck the pallus back in the moon vagina, and put the combined piece back into the box. Once again, he presented the box with both hands to Choke.
Stone-faced with his hand on his sword hilt, Choke shook his head.
“No, Thad,” Peep said patiently. “Ye did that already. Remember? Ye just hold onto that for a bit. So, now, what did Diya send ye to do?”
“Oh, right. Yeah. I’m also here to…” Thad drifted off, his face slack as he stared into space. He opened up the box again and stared down into it with wonder.
“Thad!” Peep clapped her hands loudly right in his face, startling him. “Get it together man! Are you even higher than usual?”
“Yeah. Far out!”
“Yeah, far out, alright. So, let’s just relax. Take me back to when you and Diya were talking. What was happening? What did she say to you?”
“Right! No doubt, Little Wolf! We were talking, dood! I don’t know when, though. Before, I guess. Time is not something that I can really get behind, you know? I don’t agree. It is a tyranny. But, then, on the flip side of that, we have the blessed Sun and Moon in their rotations, sharing their cycles with us, so does that mean that time needs to be—”
“Thad!” Peep clapped in his face again.
The elder of Thad’s women leaned forward and touched Thad’s elbow, peeking around and up at him.
“Diya came to ye yesterday afternoon, Thad. D’ye remember?”
“Oh, right! Yeah! That’s right, Lisbet! No doubt! Alright? Alright! Yeah!”
Peep gave Lisbet a good hard look. Unlike the three younger vixens, who were obviously high themselves as they swayed back and forth murmuring quietly with each other, Lisbet was sober. Her face was tight with tension and fear.
“Okay, good. So Diya came to ye yesterday afternoon, Thad. What did ye talk about?” Peep asked.
“Yeah! Alright! I got it now! Yeah! It’s all these goblins fantasies she’s been having, right? Their heavy vibrations have been harshing her mellow. She wanted my help with it. You know, pop some buttons and melt together into a puddle where we can solve our misalignments through organic energy convergence therapy, man! Alright? Yeah!”
“So ye got high together. Have ye even slept? Are ye still high from it?” Peep asked.
“Yeah, no doubt, dood! Still flying high, zooming right through the night in the warm fuzzies of Diya’s luscious buttons, dood! Alright! Yeah!”
“Buttons? Whad’ye mean by that, Thad? Like, shrooms?”
“Not shrooms, man. The next evolution beyond. Diya laid some of her wicked desert cactus buttons on me, man! Thermal blitz, my dood! Next level, transcendent journeys on those, man. She gave me some to give to you, Little Wolf. They’re in that pouch. Enjoy! Take them when you need to reset all your vibrational harmonics, dood. Alright? Alright! Yeah!”
“Okay, thank you, Thad. I’ll check that out. So the two of you got high together, and then what?”
“Yeah, well, uhhh… I think maybe she was on a different trip, man. I don’t know if I noticed, but Lisbet was just saying about that. What was it you were telling me about that before we came, honey treasure?” Thad turned around to ask the elder woman behind him.
“I told ye, Thad,” Lisbet said to him, her voice quiet but intense. “Diya didn’t take any. She got ye high and filled yar head up with these ideas. It’s not right! Just give them the message right now and let’s go home. Please, Thad. These people are going to hurt you! Please! Let’s just go home!”
Lisbet grabbed Thad by the hand and tried to pull him back towards the gate. He shook her off and stepped back from her, holding his hands up between them as if to ward her off.
“Woah! Lisbet, my honey treasure. Who are you right now? You’re going on this jealousy trip again? That’s so counter-ascendency. These vibrations you’re on right now are so harsh! This is my mission! I need to bring us all together so that I can save us! We need to collectively come together into a harmonious vibration. Otherwise the darkness and conflict we’re all in right now is going to attract the evil we’re all sensing out there. We are going to manifest that evil into our lives if we don’t change our vibrations. We need to get together and put our love out there! Right? Alright? Yeah!”
“No, it’s not—”
“Lisbet. Enough. You need to come with me on this righteous mission to save us all, or you need to leave. I can’t have your negativity polluting me right now. Not now. This is our moment, honey treasure. Come with me, and let’s heal this world together! Alright? Alright! Yeah!”
Something broke inside Lisbet and she began to cry. Obviously still terrified, she nodded.
“I’m sorry, Thad. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Oh, I’m not mad, honey treasure. I’m not mad. I just need you with me. Alright? Alright,” Thad said quietly as he pulled Lisbet into a warm hug. He took a minute to soothe her before handing her off for the three vixens to cuddle.
Thad turned back towards Peep with his arms held wide open as though he was going to give her a hug.
“Okay, Little Wolf. Let’s save this world together. Alright? Yeah! Alright!”
“Yeah, okay,” Peep said with a frown as she held her palm up between them to keep him at bay. “So let’s get back to Diya. She got ye all high and then I guess you helped her figure out how to save us all from our bad vibrations. Is that how it went?”
“Yeah! No doubt! For sure, Little Wolf!”
“Good. Okay. So what exactly is it that the two of ye figured out that ye need to do here today?” Peep asked.
“No doubt. Yeah!”
“Thad. What are you here to do?”
“For sure, Little Wolf. I hear you. It’s time to bring our energies into alignment. It’s time for me to fix this. Alright! Yeah!” Thad exclaimed loudly, waving happily to all the scowling villagers surrounding them.
“For sure, Thad! Alright! So, do it! Let’s do it! Save us, Thad! Do yar thing! Yar the hero! Alright! Yeah!” Peep exclaimed excitedly, pumping her own fists up and down.
“Alright! Yeah!” Thad thrilled, jumping up and down in excitement.
“Now’s the time, Thad! Do what ye came here to do! Do it!” Peep exclaimed.
“Far out! Far out, man. I knew we were kindreds the first moment I saw you, Little Wolf. Far out. Yeah! So, yeah, I have a message for you from Diya. But it needs to be in private, on account of it being all heavy. So there’s that. Alright? Yeah!”
“Yeah, okay, I kinda figured you’d have a message for us,” Peep said, flashing Choke a significant look. “And is that it?”
“No, no, no, Little Wolf. That is not it at all! That’s just an important favor for Diya. The real mission is to heal the rift that has festered between our two communities. I’m here to bring us into union with each other, so that we can resonate the positivity required to push the evil away.”
“Sounds great, Thad!” Peep exclaimed, giving him a thumbs-up, which he returned. “How are ye gonna do that?”
“See, that’s just it, Little Wolf. I’m the key to that. Right? Alright! Yeah! Alright! I understood that last night when me and Diya were floating together in the cosmic shower of Altas’ love. I understood it, man! It’s all about me, right? And me coming here as a gesture of goodwill. That’s the key to healing this place, to healing us, right? By coming here to meet with Brother Barrelmender in a gesture of goodwill, I can connect with him. Together we can put things right. Alright! Yeah! Alright!”
Peep thought about this for a long moment, nodding at Thad as she did, staring up into his eyes. Thad’s beaming smile slowly faded as she did. Finally, when he could take this no longer, he gave her a tentative thumbs-up.
“Alright?” he asked.
“Oh, yeah. That’s alright, for sure. For sure, man,” Peep said.
“Alright! Yeah!”
“So, just so that I have this straight, Thad. You want to go and meet with Brother Barrelmender, in his church, so that the two of you can work things out. I have that right? And you doing that is meant to be a gesture of goodwill. Ye said that twice: a gesture of goodwill. Is that something ye came up with by yarself?”
“For sure, Little Wolf. Far out! Yeah!”
Behind him, Lisbet broke into short shriek of despair and terror that she throttled into a choking sob. The three vixens on her redoubled their physical comforting of her.
“That’s good, Thad. I just wanna make sure for my own self here. You and Diya came up with this plan together, at some point after she gave ye the trippy buttons yesterday,” Peep said calmly, leaning in closer towards Thad, making steady eye contact with him.
“Far out! Yeah!”
“But I’m just wondering if the exact words, ‘a gesture of goodwill,’ aint something that Diya thought up for ye to say to us. Is she the one that got ye to tell us yar idea in that way?”
Thad blinked in confusion before staring off into space for a spell.
“Okay. I think I got this, man,” he finally said. “We were talking about this revelation I had about coming here to help Brother Barrelmender come into the path of light and love with me. And she thought it was such a good idea! Alright! Yeah! And she told me to tell you that I’m here as a gesture of goodwill. Is that it? That’s right? Do I have that right?”
Peep’s calm façade cracked and for just a split second it looked like she might stab Thad in the neck. She regained her composure quickly, though.
“I don’t know, man. I wasn’t there. Is that exactly what she said? That you should say you are meeting Brother Barrelmender as a gesture of goodwill?”
“Yeah! Far out! I got it right? Did I say it right? For sure! She really worked on me to remember it just so, right? Alright! I did it! Yeah!” Thad leaned back with a wide grin and gave himself double thumbs-up.
“Yeah, I guess ye did get it just right, Thad. Good for you. I’m pretty sure that’s what Diya musta said. It makes sense to me, anyways,” Peep said. With a sigh, she reached out and patted his upper arm.
“Alright! Alright? Yeah!” Thad exclaimed, trying to give her a hug.
Peep slipped free of Thad easily enough and held her palm up in his face to settle him down.
“Okay, man, I’m just gonna have a quick word with Lieutenant Pekot here. Okay? Just chill out, and we’ll bring ye to Brother Barrelmender right away so that you can get him right and save all of us. Alright?” Peep said.
“Alright! Yeah!”
Peep nodded for Choke to step aside with her.
Choke nodded to Peep and stepped in close to Corporal Dom to quietly say:
“Calmly now. Close and bar the gate.”
Dom nodded and took his men to the gate to do it. Choke moved over to where Peep was standing in the military yard about twenty meters away from Thad.
“That poor motherfucker,” Peep said in a low voice once he joined her. “She may as well have hogtied him and sold him down the fucking river.”
“It seems that way,” Choke said. “You said that Diya told you that when she knew Sneed was coming back this way, she would send us word, along with a gesture of goodwill for Barrelmender. This is it.”
“Yeah. And there he is with a fuckin apple in his mouth. That fuck stick and cunt he was playing with; that’s a sun and moon, right? That’s the whatever-ye-call-it heresy, right?”
“Solluna Union. Yes. There is no question. It proves him a heretic,” Choke said.
Peep sighed. “So now we’re gonna do something horrible to him.”
“That is for Barrelmender to decide. But, yes, that is what is going to happen. Does this upset you, Peep? He is a heretic. He defiled Altas right in front of us.”
“He’s a stoned, horny idiot.”
Choke shot Peep a hard look. “Are you attempting to argue against what has to happen here? Look to your brands, Peep. That is who we are.”
“I got it. I don’t have to always like it, though. Let’s get the fuck on with it, then. If Sneed’s heading this way, we gotta get the men back and tighten the fuck up,” Peep said.
“Yes. We ring an alarm right now and lock the town down. Then we take them to the church. Remember: he is a Solluna Union priest. That makes him a spellcaster. As foolish as he seems, he is dangerous. You should have your bow in hand, Peep,” Choke said.
“Settle down, man. He wants to go to the church, remember. No sense spooking him and making a scene where some villagers might get caught in the middle. And he still has his message from Diya to tell us. Right? I wanna hear that. And I wanna hear it from him when he wants to tell us. We’ll get everyone in and things locked down. Then you, me, Pinch, and Knuckle will walk him and his bitches right into the church as nice as can be. Right?”
Choke took a second to think this over before nodding.
“Get close to him again,” Choke said to Peep. “If he starts casting a spell, put him down. Preferably alive. Taking a wound will disrupt the spellcasting.”
“Got it. Okay, giddy-up,” Peep said quietly as she gave Thad a thumbs-up with a big, friendly smile and started walking his way.
Muse Vassal 