Dialogue in the Workplace

“Gee whiz, Dave, you sure do look worried today. What seems to be troubling you?”

“Well, Joe, it’s just that I’m growing concerned that Bob isn’t taking his responsibilities as an auditor seriously.”

“Hmmm… Well, that is a pickle there, Dave. I guess all I can tell you is that we all have had similar concerns regarding Bob. Just know that, like feelings of love, your concerns will probably pass with time.”

“Thanks, Joe. I feel a bit better just knowing that you’ve acknowledged my concerns. I feel perceived and valued.”

“I’m glad I could help, Dave. That’s what I’m here for. Well, that, and watching out for Bob!”

Dave and Joe laugh heartily together. Having bonded over a shared workplace trouble, their dialogue is in no way a waste of company time or resources, so long as they don’t linger too long after the laughter subsides.

Explaining Cheese to Leafy Greenbuds

Imagine trying to explain cheese to your new pall, Leafy Greenbuds, a space alien who has no concept of food because her folk derive their nutrition through photosynthesis. You show Leafy a cow, and then explain the milk thing (a la Arthur Dent with the Nutri-Matic on the Heart of Gold [if you don’t get this reference: Shame on you!]), then bacterial cultures, aging, and whatever else.

Leafy’s utter mortification is palpable. She can’t understand that cheese is the pinnacle of human civilization.

Yeah, Leafy, if you think about it too carefully it is really gross. But what do you want from us? We can’t just suck on dirt and photosynthesise our nutrition. And do remember that we’re a species that also licks each other’s genitals for fun. It’s not like your little inter-species orgies with the insect folk aren’t pretty weird by our standards.

As an aside, while you’re here, be careful that someone here on earth doesn’t try to smoke you. We do that too.

End Times

If we all discovered that the world was going to end in 24 hours (say because a meteor was coming, or the President of the United States had a bad prostate exam), I think there would be a lot of men who’d be like:

“Well, that’s it! I’m emptying the kids’ college funds and blowing it all on hookers!”

And then the hookers would be:

“What the fuck, doods? We all have one day left to live and you think I’m gonna spend it blowing you for money? Get fucked! Somewhere else, I mean. Scoot!”

And the hookers would be right. Those men should have got a bottle of scotch, baked a cake, and sweet talked their wife.

Good luck getting her to blow you now, buddy. There you are, all ruddy with unpleasant lust, clutching your useless money like an asshole.

Ending your time on Earth pretty much the same way you lived it.

This right here, my friends, highlights the fundamental flaws of capitalism.

Star Wars Fan Fiction

It was not long after Senator Palpatine declared himself Emperor that he took his revenge on Jar Jar Binks. It was but a simple matter to force persuade Jar Jar into performing the most degrading acts imaginable on him right in the senate for all to see. What better to way to end democracy in the galaxy than to treat himself to a thorough rimming by the Naboo senator?

Once he and then all comers had taken their fill of Jar Jar, the Emperor sold him into sexual slavery to the Huts. You may be unaware that Gungans have a prehensile colon, making them some of the most satisfying butt sluts in the galaxy (for those not aesthetically particular). Once he was all trained up, Jar Jar was put to good use satisfying clone troopers right here on this very space station.

Those interested in watching him work can visit with him if they want. The cue starts back there.

On your left, guests are welcome to enjoy a diorama showing many of the other splendid attractions available for your amusement.

The End.

Bible Stories For Today’s Youth

Noah’s Ark

So one day God was all like, “Yo, Noah, this shit is fuckin whack now. Imma flood this bitch out and kill all these trifling hos.”

So, like, Noah was all, “Dooood, that is a serious bummer, man. Can’t you just, like, stomp the worst of them bitches out and let all the kids and babies live? I mean, like, they’re all innocent and shit, right?”

And God was all, “Shut the fuck up, bitch! Are you my ho or are you a dead ho? That’s what I thought, slut. Imma kill every motherfucker on Earth, babies and kids and all. I made this cocksucker, so I can flex on it when I want. But we cool, cause you give it up just how I like it, slut. Now, what I want you to do is build a big motherfuckin boat and put your family and two of every animal on it, so’s you can repopulate this bitch once I’m done fuckin it up.”

So, Noah’s all like WOAH! God must be tweaking on some wicked ass shit. But he can’t even. So he’s like, “God, you the man! That’s shit’s the bomb! But you sure it’s possible to put two of every animal in one boat? I mean, we haven’t even invented a number for how many different kinds of animals there are. And isn’t it gonna get all fucked up when the animals have to start fuckin their sisters and shit? And my grandkids have to marry their cousins? I mean, that’s a bit off, aint it? I ask with straight up respect, Lord.”

So God’s all like, “Oh no you didn’t! You didn’t just question my all powerful might and shit! Bitch, I am God up in this motherfucker. This shit works because I say it does. Watching animals fuck their sisters is what busts my nut these days. That shit is off the hook! Your boat best be fuckin rockin when I come a knockin. You hear me? Now get on it, slut, before I decide to replace alls you with some six tittied ape bitch that can fuck itself with its tail. I’m not even joking, son. In fact, Imma whip some of them sluts up on Mars to see how I like it. You don’t even know what that shit means, yer such a stupid shit. Just get on making me my incest animal bangboat and I’ll check in later. Peace!”

And so it was. That’s just how God rolls.