Beautiful Geniuses All

The “hooray for everyone,” loser cheerleading, self-esteem boosters of the interweb have been abusing our language with their, “everyone is beautiful and a genius in their own way” routine. It’s downright Orwellian, and I, for one, think it’s double-plus-ungood.

Beauty may be subjective, but that still doesn’t mean that everyone is beautiful. Some people are ugly. Sad for them. However, many of these people compound their unhappiness by holding out for partners completely out of their league. They shitcan aesthetic standards in self-evaluation, and yet cling to them when judging potential fuck mates.

“Why are the beautiful people I desire so superficial?”

It’s really too bad, because it’s only after you bed a really beautiful person that you realize physical beauty is highly overrated. Beautiful people don’t need to learn how to fuck well. Besides which, sex is tactile and emotional. Gunning after beauty for its own sake is trophy fucking and ego. We don’t need to rewrite the dictionary to make everyone beautiful, we need to stop idolizing the superficial.

Further, if you’re going to say “everyone is beautiful” and mean this on an inner level you would be wrong too. Emotional cripples fixated on beauty standards that fill them with self-loathing tend to be rather unpleasant in a multitude of ways.

Then we get to this whole genius business. If everyone’s a genius, then I guess that means that some are more special than others.

If we keep this up, we’re going to wind up with words even more meaningless than they already are. It all gets melted down into grey, tasteless pablum.

And that would be adjective:(. Adverb adjective:( indeed. *unhappy face emoticons included so you know I mean “adjective” in its negative sense*


by Balls Malone

She’d have been a very big woman even if she weren’t fat, and she and Mr. Christie had definitely been around the block more than once. She lay there, like a manatee in a Walmart negligee and then slowly, teasingly, pulled her knees wide open.

Her cunt was huge, shaved, and wet. I got right to it. It glistened before me like a big plate of thickly sliced Virginia ham, all layered up. I never even knew her name.


America’s Gay Circus

It has been observed that how a society interacts with its prisoners is a measure of that society itself (Foucault?). So what does it say about the United States, that it is so committed to a penal model that obviously does not work? Clearly, the American penal system is failing in its stated purpose: rehabilitating offenders and preventing crime/drug use. So it follows that it must be serving other, not articulated, needs.

Of course, the State and the prison industrial complex do very well for themselves with their war on drugs and monetized penal system. That is not my topic here. My question is why so many normal people support this clearly failed system? What need of theirs is it serving?

We all know the fat man who complains about fat women; the narcissists who despise celebrities and yet can’t stop talking about them; the drunks who hate junkies. Self-loathing is thrust out onto an external scapegoat. Prisoners are that for the collective. Even better than just being a metaphorical straw man, these scapegoats can actually be punished.

As to that punishment:

It seems that when you scratch the surface of moral, proper America, we get a fixation on homoerotic BDSM rape. The Romans used lions in their circuses; Americans like prison gangs.

These people might claim that the system has no control over such things, yet they also take (often not so) secret pleasure that it happens. “Let’s see how smug that punk is once he’s thrown in prison with all those [racial epithet deleted].” And they can go about their day with the happy knowledge that the bad people are being punished. With forcible sodomy. Kinky fun for church pew daydreaming.

Hell, the porn for this is piped direct to the masses on basic cable. “Cops” for foreplay, and then “Lockup” for the happy ending. You have to imagine the penetration, but it’s all the hotter for that, I’m sure. The brain is, after all, our biggest sexual organ.

Like the bread and circuses of that other fading empire; only now it’s oxy and rape.


weren’t the credits supposed to roll?
after the lock clicked home
in that room where they send
people like me

wasn’t the story over then?
a cautionary tale
or a morbid show for
them who feign disinterest

but I awoke
deprived an end
given a future
empty as tundra

do I write an end?
or fill that void
make something
just so there is a thing

all I am now is something
overlaying nothing
in the space where
there should have been credits

and it’s pretty good

Bitches are Assholes

“When a man is assertive, he’s called an alpha-male/boss/winner. When a woman is assertive, she’s called a bitch.”

I have been seeing riffs on this notion for years, and its lack of nuance is pesky for me. To be clear: I have no doubt that the invective is unfairly applied to many appropriately assertive women. No doubt whatsoever. Eighty percent of people suck, and those that do will invariably cop-out to the easy poo fling when upset.

However, this idea as it is presented is an oversimplification in danger of treading over into fantasy. Not all assertive men are viewed positively. Far from it. I’m sorry if this runs counter to the whole, “the world is a patriarchal male wonderland” narrative that some people are trying to construct, but they aren’t. Jerk. Asshole. Shithead. Douchebag. Prick. Dickhead. King Shit of Turd Mountain. Overcompensating for something. Our vernacular is rife with words and expressions used to describe assertive men negatively.

A man who has been called an asshole has no recourse for redemption through an analyses of gender roles and misogyny. Nor should he; he probably is an asshole. His only recourse is to ignore the insult (assuming he decides not to wear it proudly). But what of the women, unlike those inappropriately denigrated that I mentioned earlier, who are behaving poorly and deserve to be called out for it? Must we abandon our cherished vulgarian streak (should we have one) simply in order to protect the supposed sensitivities of the gender?

No, I say!

When appropriately categorized, women are bitches in the same way that men are assholes: the key to the term’s correct application is the subject’s behavior. While it is certainly inappropriate to call a woman a bitch, just because she has been called one does not mean she did not deserve to be called out. Even if she had every reason to be assertive, or even angry, it is important to remember that you can be simultaneously right and incorrect (or correct and wrong, if you prefer). You may have good cause to speak up, but why do you have to be such an asshole about it? Bitch. *Said with Jesse Pinkman intonation*

However, since the word “bitch” has become so loaded with consequence these days, I am perfectly willing to admit it is time to swap it out. So, how about we start calling inappropriately assertive women, “assholes?” This will isolate the offensive behavior as the reason for the negative label, and minimize any claims to victimization by the offending party.

So, in future, please keep in mind that I regard the term, “asshole” to be gender neutral and potentially applicable to all humans.

Gender parity at its best, I’d say.

A Business Question

Well, alright then, Mr. Business Success Consultant with all your snappy answers for every possible scenario, tell me this:

What do you do when you’re giving an crucial presentation to the Board of Directors and your butt plug pops out and slides down the back of your pant leg, and you know from bitter experience that it’s going to fall out onto the floor right there in front of everyone? What then, huh?

If you have some kind of mental-hygiene, positive visualization, networking hack to solve this one, I’d love to hear it.