The Cowboy

by Balls Malone

The Cowboy looked down from atop his magnificent steed at the pretty young woman and the three rough looking men who surrounded her.

“Trouble Sally?” he asked in his smooth baritone.

“Jaundice, these men are–” Sally started before she was interrupted as one of the men stepped behind her, clamped his hand over her near-legendary mouth, and drew a huge Bowie knife to wave in front of her dewy eyes. As if of one mind, the other two bandits stepped between her and Jaundice.

“There aint nothing here for ya, mister, less you be lookin for trouble,” said the lankiest of them, with his hand poised over his low-slung pistol like a rattlesnake with five heads and no tail.

“Why, I like trouble,” Jaundice replied, “almost as much as I like sucking shit from your mother’s asshole.”

Puzzled by the inherent wittiness of Jaundice’s retort, all three of the men paused, blinking stupidly at each other. This was all the time Jaundice needed.

With the lightning speed of a man born to action, Jaundice drew his double barreled shotgun from its saddle holster and brought it down hard on the lead brigand’s head, who fell as though struck by a shotgun wielded by God himself. Jaundice continued the natural motion of his swing until it was pointed at the second villain, and he discharged both barrels into his face at a range of less than a foot. Then, trusting in the inherent stupidity of all villains in westerns, Jaundice swung his leg over his mount and slid from the saddle, tossing his empty shotgun to Sally’s captor with a smooth call of “catch!” The man did not disappoint, and dropped his buxom human shield in order to grab the still smoking weapon. Jaundice drew his pistol and shot him right between the eyes.

Sally was by no means any less attractive now that she was covered in the remains of two men’s heads, including the almost complete scalp of the shotgun victim, which dangled jauntily from her bonnet. She ran up to her savior and buried her face in his chest, comforting herself with his manly musk.

“Oh Jaundice! I thought for sure they were going to… well… you know,” she finally managed.

“Now, now, Sally, I’m sure that would only be a mite less tolerable than you’re used to,” The Cowboy answered with a wry grin. Before she could respond indignantly to this, he pushed her to arm’s length. “Don’t get your bloomers in a bunch, Sally. I’m just sassing.”

Jaundice swiveled his steely gaze from her quivering face to the first villain he had struck over the head, who was beginning to come around.

“Why, I reckon I’m going to teach this varmint a lesson he’ll never forget!” Jaundice exclaimed.

He and Sally proceeded to strip the man naked. They tethered him wrists and ankles with rawhide and stakes, face up and spread eagle over a round boulder in the small of his back. Jaundice then commenced to sodomizing him vigorously, face to face, pausing in this only to beat him about the body with brutal punches from his iron-hard fists. Sally, fine lady that she was, helped Jaundice along by massaging his ass and balls from behind as she averted her eyes from the spectacle.

The Cowboy ejaculated inside the villain, who was rendered quite speechless by the manly display he had been treated to. Jaundice and Sally took their time with the next stage. They lit a small fire under the villain’s genitals and slow roasted them good and proper. After waiting for him to pipe down a bit, they cut off his eyelids and left him as he was, staring up at the noonday sun with eyes frying in his head. They rode off together with his screams still echoing in the canyon around them.

It was a good day for Justice.

Criminal

Always remember that conservatives, wherever they be, are actually pro-crime. Crime is their whole business model. Stock market scams; white-collar larceny; tax and liability avoidance; corporate regulation circumvention; corruption; sexual assault; police brutality: they love all this shit!

Just so long as it is their kind of people doing the dirt. The White Patriarch does what he wants. Society exists to facilitate him. Whatever he does is not regarded as “real crime” by his system; by the conservatives and neo-liberals he buys to grease its wheels.

It is poor people and their crimes that conservatives hate. Do keep this in mind when they go on about being tough on crime: they are talking about crushing the poor. The rich have always paid one group of the poor to brutalize and suppress the rest. This is the mechanism of the state.

The police do exist “to serve and protect.” Without a doubt. You just have to keep in mind that it aint you they are serving. They exist to protect those they do serve from the likes of you.

But do tell us more, oh corporate shills, how taxation for social welfare programs and education is the real class warfare.

On Argument

If you think about it, argument over fairly inconsequential things is more valid than about the “big” topics, since a person is far more likely to have their mind changed. Take religion: no one has ever had a religious conviction changed through argument. Religious argument is about reinforcing one’s own belief system, not about convincing others. Politics? It’s just an excuse to get on a soap box to air out one’s own ideas against an active opponent. We could argue about religion or politics until the end of time and not change a fucking thing. You either have to let it slide or beat the other side into submission. Agree to disagree, or fight, to paraphrase Ian M. Banks.

And besides, argument as a whole really isn’t about convincing anyone about anything. It’s about having fun with a mental exercise. Some people play chess, others do crosswords, lots like to argue. And it’s the people who realize that argument is as meaningless as any other pastime that are the best at it. So really, the topic is completely irrelevant, so long as everyone involved is into it and is either reasonably informed or a good bullshit artist.

Apology

I would like to apologize for the insensitive remark I made about raspberry bushes last night. It was offensive and in no way reflects reality. I understand that a species has every right to propagate itself without suffering sexualization and fetishization from the likes of me. Even when it flagrantly entices passerby to eat its many scrotums in an attempt to spread its seeds through their intestinal tracts. Filling my belly with its spunk is entirely my choice and in no way entitles me to characterize the plant negatively.

I am the slut here.